Guilt
by TurboloverJP
Summary: Helena carries around the heavy burden of guilt


**GUILT**

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Birds of Prey. No copyright infringement is intended.

I can't believe this is all happening.

Everything was going according to plan when the fight broke out, and it was an easy win for us. But something went wrong. Horribly wrong.

It's my fault. That's why I feel so sick to my stomach.

I told her that everything was clear but I didn't see the one guy in the corner with the gun.

I don't think I'll ever get those two gunshots out of my head.

BLAM! BLAM! 

One right after the other, not even giving her time to jump out of the way or giving me time to prevent the bullets from hitting her.

All I could do was look on in shock as she fell to the ground, bleeding all over the damn place.

What's worse is that he got away, and they NEVER get away from me. It's just something I don't allow to happen. But I was too concerned about her, naturally.

I raced back to the Clocktower with her slung over my shoulder, bleeding all over me.

When I told Barbara what had happened I thought for sure she was going to kill me on the spot. Her anger on top of my own guilt wasn't helping me, in fact it sent me straight to the liquor store.

I bought a bottle of Vodka and went back to the Clocktower.

When I returned, I attempted to ask how Dinah was doing and Barbara just told me to "get out." Those words pushed me right over the edge and into this trance-like state.

Her words rang through me over and over, beating my insides like a child wailing away at a piñata.

I trudged into the training room, leaving the lights off. I took off my duster and let it fall to the floor as I headed into the far corner of the room where I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall.

Flashbacks of the evening consumed my thoughts as I opened the bottle and began to drink. And drink. And drink.

I downed about half the bottle in a matter of fifteen minutes and started to feel it's effects, but I don't give a shit, I'm going to keep on drinking.

I can't believe I let her down, I think to myself as I stagger to my feet and decide to go a few rounds with the bag, just to let some of my frustrations out.

Taking my bottle with me, I set it down on the floor after taking another long swig. It stung my throat and warmed me inside for a moment, adding fuel to my fire.

I swing at the bag a few times, feeling the material bite into my bare knuckles.

I swing harder.

Harder.

Even harder.

Then I give it swift kick full of my rage and it rips open, spilling sawdust all over the floor.

I bend over and put my hands on my knees as I try to steady my breathing and I notice that my knuckles are bleeding. Oh well, it doesn't matter because my blood will only match Dinah's blood that's still all over me.

I grab my bottle and walk around the room, drinking and mumbling out-loud with random comments. If anyone were to see me they'd assume I'd gone mad.

"Why?" I ask whoever could possibly be listening. "How could I have missed that?!?"

I wipe the tears that fall from my eyes and take a few more sips.

It's getting harder to stand up so I go back to my corner and slide down on my butt.

My guilt is eating me up and finally takes over. I move my knees up and cover my head with my arms as I begin to sob.

"She has to be okay. She just HAS TO!"

I cried some more and then at some point my body shut down and I passed out.

When I woke up again, I knew exactly where I was, despite my drunken state.

I knocked my bottle over in a show of clumsiness and quickly picked it up, downing the remaining amount. It was an awful lot to consume at once, but I didn't care that my throat burned like hell, I deserved it.

I took the bottle and threw it across the room, not even flinching when it smashed into thousands of pieces.

What I didn't notice was Barbara wheeling into the room a few seconds afterwards, stopping a good 20 feet from me.

"Don't start breaking shit in here," she said to me in a non-Barbara tone.

"Yeah, well, I'm not having the best day so get off my back," I slurred like a drunken sailor.

"Get up," she said.

I looked up at her through heavily eyelids, unsure I'd heard what she said.

"GET UP!" she yelled.

"Leave me alone, Barbara."

She got up out of her chair and started walking towards me. Maybe I really was too drunk because she's up and walking.

Fuck. Her damn transponder invention thingy.

"I said GET UP!" she screamed at me with a wild look in her eyes.

"You better not get too close to me or..." I didn't get to finish because she grabbed me by the front of my shirt and hauled me up.

"You and I are going to have a little heart-to-heart talk, but I'm going to do the talking and you're going to do the listening, got it?"

I shoved her away and frowned at her. "I feel like shit as it is and I don't need..."

WHAM!

She punched me in the mouth, splitting my lip, and sending me crashing onto the floor.

"I'm SO tired of everything revolving around YOU, Helena! That's what almost got Dinah killed tonight!"

OMPH!

The tip of her boot connected with my ribs as she kicked me with all her might. Not even a bottle of alcohol could mask the pain of them breaking. I curled into a ball as I tried to stop the pain.

"We're a TEAM and you're always treating Dinah as if she's a bother rather than a teammate."

OMPH!!

Another kick to the same spot makes my head spin.

Barbara got on her knees beside me and roughly grabbed me again. "She's practically bled to death and might not make it through the night, no thanks to you!"

WHAM!!

She slammed her fist in my face and doubled the rate at which my head was spinning.

I lost all sense of everything at that point. She was saying things to me and I didn't even know what she was talking about. She just kept hitting me over and over like a wild woman.

My head slammed down on the floor, blood spewing from my mouth and splattering onto the floor in front of me.

That was the last thing I saw before everything turned black.

"Easy, Miss Helena," I heard Alfred say as I came to. He held an icepack to the side of my face as well as one behind my neck.

"Where..."

"You're in the training room. You had quite the go-around with someone. You mind telling me who? And don't tell me the boxing bag did this to you."

I tried to sit up but it was incredibly painful.

He saw that I was struggling and put his hands on me. "Better lie still, seems you've got more going on than just a broken face. Let me get some supplies. DON'T move!"

My head was spinning and nothing was making sense to me. I felt lightheaded and, well, drunk.

When Alfred returned I could hear him shouting at someone...Barbara.

She entered the room first and I have to admit that I felt a rush of fear come over me. I quickly sat up, wincing as the pain in my side burned and throbbed. "What? You weren't finished?" I said, spitting out some blood.

"Miss Barbara, what on Earth has come over you?" Alfred asked as he stepped in front of her chair as if to shield me.

"Stay out of this, Alfred."

"I will NOT stay out of this. You beat her down and left her here hurt and bleeding. These actions are NOT of the Barbara Gordon I know."

"Yeah, well, this Barbara Gordon is sick and tired of Helena's hero antics which nearly killed Dinah last night, not to mention herself in similar situations."

"Beating her nearly to death isn't going to solve anything. Accidents and mistakes happen. I'm quite positive Helena had not intended for Dinah to end up in harms way."

"Stop sticking up for her! That's why she continues to do it!" Barbara wheeled around Alfred and stopped in front of me.

I coughed a little as I struggled to breathe. She didn't seem to care about my pain, I could see the hatred still blazing in her eyes.

"Do you understand why I did what I did?" she asked me.

"Not really," I answered in a raspy voice.

Alfred knelt down beside me and began cleaning my wounds and assessing the damage she'd inflicted upon me. He pressed his fingers along my ribcage, causing me to cry out in pain.

"You've got at least two broken ribs." He turned around to face Barbara as he stood up. "I'm taking her to the lab."

"Like hell you are! Tend to her in here. She gets no special treatment until she realizes what she's done."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked as I got on my knees, attempting to stand up. "I think you've lost your mind."

"Miss Barbara, I think you need to get some rest and..."

"DON'T tell me what I need! Any of you! You have NO idea what I'm going through!" That was it, the dam holding back her tears broke. She sobbed like I'd never seen her sob before.

Alfred went over to her and put his arm around her. "Let's get you up to bed." His soothing voice convinced her to go with him. "Stay put, Miss Helena. I'll be right back."

Of course I didn't listen. Why would I?

I slowly and painfully made my way into the lab where Dinah was lying in bed. She was extremely pale. So much so, you almost didn't notice the white bandage on the side of her neck.

She looked so peaceful but I knew she certainly wasn't going to feel that way when she woke up.

I touched her hand and it was like ice. It scared me so much I moved away.

"I'm so sorry, Dinah. If I could change what happened you know I would. I'm sorry I let you down."

I'm not sure that the kid could hear me but I had to get the words out.

"What did I tell you?" Alfred asked as he came into the room. "You're going to cause yourself further harm if you continue roaming about."

"I know. I just wanted to check on her."

"Miss Dinah is holding her own. Come now, let's get you fixed up."

I let Alfred nurse me back to health but all the while I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with Barbara.

After he was finished, he ordered me to my room but I took a detour and went to see Barbara.

When I got to her room, the door was slightly open and I could see her massaging her temples and shaking her head as if to shake the cobwebs out.

She settled back into bed and that's when I knocked softly.

"Alfred, you told me to stay in bed and I am so..."

I poked my head in and she was visibly surprised at my presence. "What?"

I walked into the room, glaring at her as I went to the nightstand to find out what she's been taking. "You want to tell me what's the matter with you? Your anger isn't all my doing. You still mad because MY FATHER drugged you in order to get you somewhere safe?"

She looked at me and started to say something but I cut her off.

"Yeah, that's right. BRUCE drugged you, that was none of my doing, contrary to what you believe."

She didn't argue with me. THAT surprised me.

"And do you honestly think that I don't feel guilty about what happened to Dinah? Do you really think that I purposely put her in that position? How many times have you been out there and missed something? Huh? Oh wait, that's right, you're fuckin' perfect!"

The quivering lip indicated that I'd struck a nerve. So I kept going.

"It was a MISTAKE and I hate like hell that it happened. I've wished over and over that it was me instead of her because maybe things would be alot easier to deal with around here and maybe..."

"DON'T!" she said as the tears began to fall. "Don't say you wish it was you."

"Oh, and you care all of a sudden? You certainly didn't care earlier when you were beating my face in!" A sharp pain gripped me and I staggered a bit.

"Helena?"

I put up my hand, waving her off.

"I-I'm sorry," she said with a tremble in her voice. "I'm sorry! I'm so....so sorry," she wailed.

Wincing, I sat myself down on the edge of the bed, not facing her, still trying to breathe through the pain as I hugged my aching belly.

"I....I don't want to lose either of you," she sobbed. "It's the first time she's been seriously hurt and....and I didn't know what to do."

I didn't turn around and didn't say anything, I just let her go.

"I haven't slept since all this happened with Quinzel and the Joker. Then Dinah..." her voice trailed off as she started to cry harder.

Still, I said nothing.

"When I put the transponder on earlier, I took some painkillers beforehand. It must have done something to my system. It fueled my rage and I snapped." She started panting and gasping for air because she'd been crying so hard.

I hugged my side as I stood up, breathing through the shift in pressure.

"Helena, don't go."

"Why?" I asked in somewhat of a sarcastic tone.

"Come sit down so I can look at you."

I turned around to look at her and she was wiping her eyes and motioning to me.

"Come here."

"Alfred took care of me, don't worry about it."

"Please," she said in a sobby, pleading voice.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to her, flinching as she touched my arms to move them away from my middle. I watched her expression as she pulled up my shirt, unwrapped my bandaging and saw the devastation she left on my body. I actually thought she was gonna puke on me the way she quickly covered her mouth.

"H-Helena," she stuttered before the tears began to fall again.

Gently, she touched her fingertips on the black and blue flesh. Again I flinched, wincing at the movement and hissing in pain.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry!" she cried as she wrapped my ribs back with shaky hands.

"I need to sit," I said, unable to stand the pain any longer. Plus, her emotions were starting to get to me.

She moved over to give me room and I gently lowered myself onto the bed.

I felt her hand on my chin, turning my face towards her so she could inspect the cuts on my face.

Even though they weren't on her body she contorted her face as she looked at each one, especially the one by the corner of my eye because it was pretty deep.

"We should get you to the lab and restitch these so they won't scar. I know Alfred did his best, but..."

"They're fine," I said as I pulled my head away.

"I don't know how to make up for what I've done."

"I don't either," I said plainly. "Even if you weren't yourself, the things you said to me were deep within you somewhere."

It was her turn to have nothing to say.

"I'm going to find the guy that did this to her and make damn sure he doesn't squeeze another trigger as long as he lives, which won't be long."

I stood up and walked out of the room, leaving her with enough of my words to digest.

Later that afternoon, I stopped in to check on Dinah and was surprised to find her awake. Barely, but awake nonetheless.

She smiled at me and I smiled back. "Hey, kid. You hanging in there?"

"Trying," she said in a soft voice. Her eyes narrowed a bit. "They must have given you a run for your money," she commented, looking at the cuts on my face.

Now was definitely NOT the time to tell her who was really the cause of my injuries, so I lied. "Yeah, they definitely did." I looked away from her for a moment, trying not to tear up, then I turned back. "Dinah, I'm so sorry I didn't see him."

"Huh?"

"The guy who shot you. I didn't see him. He must have been hiding behind those crates."

"It's not your fault. I didn't see him either."

I shook my head. "I should have stopped him."

"You were too....too far away."

I couldn't help but laugh at her attempt at making me feel like it wasn't my fault. "I shouldn't have happened this way. I fucked up."

"No..."

"But I'm gonna make it up to you by catching the bastard." With that comment I turned on my heels and headed out, tossing my comm set onto the table on the way out.

"Helena wait," I heard her say, but I kept walking.

It's taken alot longer to track this shithead down than I thought it would, and that's only pissing me off even further. If it's one thing I don't have it's patience. But I managed to find him and have been following him for the past hour and a half. I want to make sure I don't mess this one up so I'm not gonna rush it.

Right now he's tossing back a few at the corner bar. I didn't follow him inside. Instead, I'm in the alley across the street.

So I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally, he comes out of the bar, but he's got some skanky girl on his arm. They're slobbering all over each other like two horny teenagers. The sight is rather repulsive given the fact that this asshole gunned Dinah down right in front of me.

They pass by me and I can feel my eyes change.

I follow them for a few blocks, forcing me to witness his hand roaming all over her ass.

This is ridiculous. They could walk for hours or worse, they could have sex right in front of me. Judging by their periodic stops to make out, that looks like where this sick romance is heading.

Time for me to step in.

"Hey, baby!" I yell at them.

They turn around to see who's yelling at them.

"Hey! What's this? Who the hell is she?" I ask, pretending to be the jealous girlfriend.

"I'm his girlfriend. I guess he failed to mention me to you."

"What the hell are you talking about? I don't even..." He was clearly drunk but not drunk enough not to try and talk his way out of it.

"Don't go there with me! You know when the baby's born I..."

"Baby?!?" the woman exclaimed. Then she slapped him across the face and took off.

"Wait!" he yelled, but she didn't turn back.

"Aw, looks like you're sleeping alone tonight. Or should I say you're taking a long dirt nap." I punched him in the face and then kicked him in the chest, watching him fall to the ground.

I hauled him up, trying to ignore the intense pain flaring up in my side, then tossed him violently into a brick wall.

He sagged to the ground and then I saw him going for something inside his coat, most likely his gun, so I kicked out towards him, pressing my foot on his neck and pinning him to the wall. His hands went up around my ankle, completely forgetting about his weapon.

"You're f-fuckin' crazy, bitch," he gasped in a oxygen-starved breath.

"Yeah, that tends to happen when people try and kill my friends."

It took him a minute to get it but he eventually got it and smiled this sick, lopsided smile. "Heh heh, she was an easy target. I just used her for practice."

I felt myself freeze up out of sheer disbelief that'd he'd have the balls to say that to me. But rather than lash out, I decided to play with them so I moved my foot away from this throat and stepped back.

Holding my hands up in the air by my sides, I taunted him. "An easy one, huh. Well, let's see how lucky you are with me."

He rubbed his throat and stood up. "You'll be easy too," he said as he pulled out the gun from his coat.

"By all means, go ahead and shoot then." After I said it I even wondered to myself if I was going crazy. What the hell was I thinking? I was only about ten feet from him. And he had a gun! I think my rage was blinding my judgment. Still, I didn't move, even when he raised the gun and aimed it at me.

"You're making this WAY too easy for me," he complained.

"Aw, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it more of a challenge for you? I thought you liked the easy ones?"

His gun swayed a little as he tried to steady it and I hoped that his drunken state would work to my advantage.

He smiled at me again and when I listened closely I could hear his finger tightening on the trigger.

BLAM!

A shot rang out and I leaped upwards, flipping backwards and landing squarely on my feet when I came back down. "Missed me," I teased as I winked at him.

BLAM!

Another shot came my way but I dropped to the ground just before it whizzed past me. That one was a little too close for comfort.

"Not so easy, am I?"

CLICK!

CLICK!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

He was out of bullets already.

"Damn, you're no fun," I said sarcastically. "Now you get to be my easy bitch."

The idiot threw the gun at me, smacking me in the side of the head. I didn't anticipate that one. Then he started to run.

I wasted no time in chasing him and tackled him to the ground, shoving him roughly, face-first, on the pavement.

We traded blows for quite some time and he got in a good swift kick to my ribs. It paralyzed me for a moment but I snapped out of it when I saw him coming at me again.

I kicked out at him and caught him in the chin, sending him reeling backwards, buying me enough time to get up.

I sauntered over to him and kicked him in the face again. Then again. Again. And again until he started crying like a little baby.

The ride up to the lair seemed to take forever.

When the doors finally opened, Barbara was there.

I walked past her, ignoring whatever she was saying to me, and dropped him right in the middle of the room like a bag of rocks. Yes, I brought him back to the Clocktower.

Then I went into Dinah's room, turning on the monitor in there and facing it so she could see. "Hey, kid. I have a visitor that wants to say something to you."

Her eyes were filled with confusion, probably because my face was a bloody mess and I kinda blew in and and out of the room like a breeze.

I walked back out to the computer area and grabbed Barbara's camcorder. "Here," I said, handing it to her, "Turn it on and film this."

"Geezus, Helena. What are you..."

"Just do it!" I yelled at her.

She turned the camera on, I could see the red light illuminate, and pointed it at him.

I kicked him in the stomach, at the same time holding a tight grip over my own. "Wake up you miserable fuck!"

He moaned a little but didn't react so I decided to speed things up by dropping down next to him and grabbing him around his neck, hauling him up to face him towards the camera.

"Say it!" I demanded.

He moaned some more.

"Fuckin' say it!!!" I screamed in his ear, tightening my hold around his neck.

Barbara put the camera down. "Helena, stop it! You..."

"Get that camera back on him! He's gonna say it or else I'll make his death a slow and painful process that'll last all night long. NOW SAY IT!" I yelled at him again, squeezing harder.

"S...so...sorry," he gasped.

"What? I don't think she heard you." I squeezed even more, turning him a dark purple.

"Sorry!" he coughed out.

"Sorry who? She has a fuckin' name you know. It's Dinah."

"D...D...Dinah!" he huffed.

I let go of him and slammed his head down on the hard floor, knocking him out.

I stood up and wiped the blood from my face with the sleeve of my duster. "Get this piece of shit out of my face before I kill him," I instructed Barbara before heading up to the balcony to cool down.

It took her a good fifteen minutes before she came out to check on me.

"Took you long enough," I joked. "I thought you would have been after me in about five seconds."

"I had to check on Dinah first," she said as she handed me a towel.

I wiped my face, looking at the amount of blood staining the towel. "She okay?"

"You scared the shit out of her."

"Sorry. Guess I got carried away."

Barbara smiled slightly. "That seems to be a trend around here."

I couldn't help but laugh too. "This whole thing's been so messed up." I leaned my head back on the wall and pressed the towel on the cut that had reopened by my eye.

"It's over now, though."

"Is it?" I asked.

She shot me a confused look.

"How do I know you're not going to 'go off' on me the next time something happens? I've NEVER seen that violent side to you before. I don't want to see it again, quite frankly, and certainly not aimed towards me."

"I know," she said as she clasped her hands together, "but I can assure you it won't happen again." She took a deep breath and let it out. "I've decided to take a leave of absence at work in order to rest and get my life back on track."

Somehow I wasn't believing that Barbara was going to rest. It just wasn't in her nature to sit around and hang out. She lived for the thrill of crime fighting - like me.

"I'm gonna hold you to that," I said. "The resting part."

She smiled for a moment and then it faded. "I'm truly sorry, Helena. I hope we can get past this and you can learn to trust me again."

There's that damn word again - trust. It's probably the one word that I have the hardest time with.

I nod but don't speak, and even with me not even saying a word I've said enough for her to understand that our conversation is over.

She turned herself around and wheeled back inside.

Everything hurts right now - my head, my ribs, my back, my heart and my soul. I wish aspirin had the power to take all of it away.

FIN

I leave this fic with the lyrics to Fly From The Inside by Shinedown:

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders  
Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders  
On my shoulders  
All alone I pierce the chain  
And all in all the sting remains  
And dying eyes consume me now  
The voice inside screams out loud

I am focused on what I am after  
The key to the next open chapter

Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky  
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Every day a new deception  
Pick your scene and take direction  
And all in all I search to connect  
But I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets

I am focused on what I am after  
The key to the next open chapter

I can't escape the pain  
I can't control the rage  
Sometimes I think that I'm gonna go insane  
I'm not against what's right  
I'm not for what's wrong  
I'm just making my way and I'm gone

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders


End file.
